| Writings |
Rae |
Past |
Visuals |
But if your heart's not in it, for real.
Please dont try to fake what you dont feel.
If love's already gone,
Its not fair to lead me on.
Cause, i would give the whole world, for you.
Anything you'd ask of me, i'll do.
But i wont ask you to say,
I'd rather walk away.
If your heart's not in it.
is love so ephemeral,
that feelings fade so easily.
why do pple hide the pain they feel inside.
can smiles and laughter cover what truly lies inside?
the pain was all written on her face,
her nonchalant self, under the facade of intangible emotions swept within.
she let herself indulge in embitterness of the reality;
faded feelings seems so much like a pitless hole.
i feel her pain. ouch.
raaahh, i just lost my train of thoughts.
right now, i'm feeling so lost.
can somebody show me a fairytale come true?
aint this sweet?
its a gift from qianyi.
its filled wif m&ms know!
let rae eat until she's fat.
TSK TSK.
a new beginning.
was grumbling abt school reopening last night.
silly rae. on second thoughts,
school rocks lah!
today passed so freaking fast!
and time spent wif my bitching partner was so memorable.
pity i'm the only one single now. tsk.
she cant enjoy singlehood wid me can!
blessings though. (:
kor was so f. funny,
making my day once again.
and my dearest MANEL,
bespectacled wid her new frames, she gave me a fright wif her BOO!
after school was so great.
great time spent together wif my clique once again.
(though we like always meet up for reunion meals and stuff)
bonding time was so great!
we talked abt everything under the sun for practically 3hours nonstop!
headed for the swings and swing until we were tired.
i learnt an impt lesson today;
never judge a book by its covers.
speaking abt books,
i'm tempted to start my crazy for romance novels again.
RRAAAAHHH. CANNOT LAH.
i only got seventy days left to my prelims.
(courtesy of my dearest headprefect for assembly every morning)
okay, i've just remembered something damn impt.
I SCREWED UP PAPER1 FOR MY CHINESE Os.
woow. today laopang just told us yingyongwen gonghan,
dian shi tai is radio station and not tv station.
greeeaaaat. i suggested a tv programme instead of a radio programme.
in simple words,
i wrote out of point.
OH GREAT, :D
// dreams.
i wld walk a thousand miles just to see yr face;
i just hang ard and find some things to do,
to take my mind off missing you.
she's dreaming, once again.
you're everywhere to me,
when i close my eyes its you i see.
she spoke wid a certain ambiguity,
she hoped those scornful words got the message across.
yesterday was a pretty eventful day i guess?
had the opportunity to crash into qianyi's lectures.
and a day of poly life.
the best thing is that i met yvette!
apparently, that chicken spends half of the time finding her classrooms lah!
not to mention, a pretty embarrassing thing happened to her.
HOHO. X)
honestly,
CHOW WENXIN freaks me out.
its alright i guess?
i'm used to her desperateness to find some fuckable compatible person.
(fuckable person is, by the way, her term.)
this kind of person.
no looks lah,
forgive her desperateness.
!$#$*%(^()&&%%@@#!%&*()))_+^%^@!
i cant believe there's such a disgusting person alive.
monthly cramps got me screaming in agony last night,
how i wish someone was there to let me bite.
HOHO. X) no lah, kidding!
i want someone to be there to hug me tight.
(: sounds better?
OH YES,
my encounter wid xiaoqiang two days in a row was certainly traumatizing.
especially when yesterday's was a flying one.
and it flew right past me!
thinking it was only a moth,
aiyaah, moth only.
and it landed somewhat somewhere.
it dawned upon us that it was xiaoqiang.
WO DE TIAN.
speaking of wo de tian,
poly life yesterday was certainly wo de tian.
especially three wonderful guys who certainly made the day.
lets start wid the better ones first.
skinny scrawny eric couldnt stop showing to everyone his six packs.
eyebrows raised* he's a typical bamboo okay!
this terence guy has a hairstyle that certainly doesnt suit him.
apparently, i heard that he likes that hairstyle pretty alot huh!
the most wonderful was, KENT.
this typical neighbourhood-school kid.
DAMN EGO AND LOUD I TELL YOU.
not to mention, vulgur.
cb here cb there, -.-
apparently, he took off his jersey to play soccer lah.
the fats of his bod, was pleasantly appealing.
no six packs; he calls them,
UNITY IS STRENGTH.
get it?
all the "six packs" become one,
spare tyre.(:
on a lighter note,
i certainly made my day memorable.
hold me close and say those three words like you used to.
dont deny me one of yr kisses,
for i wont know what to do.
i miss you.
forgive me remind me,
everything was just a sweet dream.
(re-edited)
when the sun's up in the sky,
everythings bright and gay.
night falls,
its seems like a different story all together.
she was hurt,
but that gives no reason for her to hurt others.
she was ignored,
yet she cant ignore someone who needs her attention.
her heart of stone shook,
she is not as callous to leave the frail psyche tortured under ignorance.
she knows how painful it is.
for every night it haunts her, even in her sleep.
she wishes to be yr baby doll;
she was blessed wid such wonderful pple ard her,
mingming qianyi xue wanru beatrice manel arica cheryl jessica and so many others.
their care and concern, support and encouragement gave her something to cling on during the night.
qianyi told her the night is beautiful,
because without the night there wldnt be any stars.
and xue's her sunshine in the day, shining star in the night.
mingming was there to remind her of high ceilings,
which makes her think of the boundless sky up above.
and the Creator of All.
beat was always there to offer her a hug,
while manel never failed to forget her, especially in times of need.
even those whom she was never close to,
like sophina and weisan never failed to tag,
asking her to be strong.
thank you all.
she smiled from within.
-
a confession made,
it feels so much like sunshine after the rain.
rae, a ray of light.
(right berr?)
talking abt the previous days brought much smiles to her face.
peanut butter, romeo&juliet, and STOPWATCHES.
not to mention that bernicewong owes mrtay a kiss! X)
aint got tears flowing last night,
she was able to fall asleep, smiling.
the cat's out of the bag,
she feels so much at ease.
beat made this for me!
a rainbow go wid my sunshine, after the rain.
(click on the rainbow below)
rainbow
her pretty mask unveiled;
enlightenment dawned upon the little one,
as she realised the harsh reality of the cold hard truth.
loneliness slapped her hard on the face.
she longs to find the one to be there.
give her strength;
in the doldrums,
every night she struggles to keep the tears from flowing.
she longs to be held in the tempestuous, long night.
every night,
she yearns for someone to hug her to sleep.
the night was torturous;
i was tormented in the pain of amnesia.
i cant stop thinking of you,
i cried myself to sleep.
i hate the night.
the world seems to crash down upon me.
its seems like i'm one person in the night,
and a different one at night.
i hate the ambience of loneliness.
making me so lonely and cold.
the evil one is me.
the arrogant, dynamic bitch.
i offend pple so easily,
i speak what's in my mind without thinking of how others wld feel.
yet they tolerated.
and until they could tolerate no more,
they left me one by one.
leaving me in the lurch.
man, it hurts.
it feels like a thousand knives stabbing you in the heart.(cliche aint it)
sometimes it feels noone understands,
i dont even know why i do the things i do.
its nice to know that you were there,
thanks for acting like you care.
i surrender,
will pursure nomore.
the cynosural superstar;
one day you'll want me but i wont want you,
one fine day.(:
my sister has braces.
i derided her nerdified look,
and celebrated her upcoming days of painful ulcers.
HOHOHO. dont say rae's malevolent.
green wid envy,
my teeth are slightly crooked.
its alright la baby, still pretty! (:
i wish mingming isnt at camp.
noone to seek refuge in in the weakness of the tempestuous night.
are you so callous to leave me in the lurch?
YOU KNOW WHAT,
my sister has an idiosyncrasy of cutting her nails.
SHE CUTS IT EVERYDAY.
yes baby i mean it.
my mom is rewarding me and my brother if we see her cutting her nails.
easy money earned.
in the doldrums,
yet the loud laughter. sighs
my mom's high protein low carbo diet is making her mind abit screwed up there.
yesterday,
her:we shifted house in march right?
me:ya.
her:means 3 months only?
me:one year alr lah!
-.-
and on the drive back home from islandclub,
we drove past rj.
her:i hope you can enrol in this jc.
me:hey! i'm going poly you know.
see, dieting is no good.
i'm still trying hard to concentrate and finish the piles of holiday homework.
man, i simply couldnt resist the charms of my cozy bed.
this accounts for the 50% of my time sleeping when i'm at home.
plus plus plus, 30% is on front of the computer,
10% is reading baby kiddy books from my brother's shelves,
9% is day dreaming while listening to my ipod,
and last but no least,
1% for homework!
great time management yea?
somebody please tell me i'm sec4,
and this is the third week of holiday,
and its alr JUNE.
indoctrinate some nerdy ideas into me please?
help seriously needed.
in the weakness of the night,
my temper seems to get its toll over me.
nonetheless, i think i'm always right.
to hell those who oppose my thinking.
in simple words,
i quarreled wid someone last night.
who cares,
i'm sorry but MS RAE DOESNT EVEN GIVE A DAMN.
apparently, i've gotten over some stuff.
and am living life good.
sometimes though,
no matter how hard 1 try to move on,
the landslide keeps bringing me down.
ohh goody,
my camera's ready for collection.
(: however i'm so lazy to go collect myself.
i'm so lazy to go out for a run too.
i think i'm going to look like a ball at the end of the holidays.
dont you wish yr gf's hot like me?
random thoughts;
i was having a sleepless night(last time),
and some kind soul told me to look into the mirror and smile until i see someone.
it was in the middle of the night okay!
it really freaked me out,
haha.come to think of it, (:
dont you wish yr gf's hot like me?
RAE IS FAT.
please tell her that she's super ultra fat.
you know i've been eating and eating so much,
the scary thing is that i dont feel full!
hmms, i finshed the tub of hagendaz coffee.
and dinner cum supper wif the rest.
(: what a wonderful time spent together.
town is getting boring.
we had good cheap food at toplevel fareast.
and proceeded to chill out at cine where we had fish and chips, and icecream and drink.
SEE WHAT I MEAN BY I'M GETTING FAT?!
bonding was great,
learnt of the good plot of saw the movie from terence,
and juicy gossip of joycetan from joleen!
i wonder i take you home,
would you still be in love baby?
ps. who is anji?
nothing happened, i'm fine and good.
(:
the artwork of glass/plastic jigsaw hanging from the ceiling is still at esplande,
will you pluck one down for me baby?
=( pretty please?
was pretty traumatized by this couply holding hands at mrsfields,
from the side i really saw two guys lah!
was like thinking,
wow, this gay couple is damn open!
and when i walked out of mrsfields,
i realised that it was a girl and guy.
nodds* butch i think.
speaking of gays,
towning on wednesday was (:
i saw qt a number of gays!
i like.
they had butterfly tattoos,
i like like! :)))
how to heal a broken heart?
berr says sophina says: time.
happy is not the word to describe me anymore.
WHATEVER IT IS,
DONT LISTEN OR BELIEVE HUA QIAN YI OKAY.
SHE'S SPOUTING NONSENSE.
lonliness is so noisy. says:
rae .will you ever regret if tmr is your last dae on earth and you spent your night depressing?
was having a sleepless night yesterday,
i felt so lonely and cold,
despondent, melancholic;
yet i cant find an awake soul to let me seek refuge in.
i act so nonchalant abt everything,
but reality is that i've been living in selfdenial.
inarticulation of the inexplicable, intricate feelings i feel inside.
the smile i hang on my face is the antithesis of what i truly feel.
the sadness is disguised under the facade of laughter.
since when did i become so delirious, living every moment of the day in melancholy.
who was there to wipe away my tears in the night of turbulence,
involuntarily, her psyche succumbed to the excruiating pain of ignorance.
i see the bleakness of the future.
i dont want to move on, i cant.
i'm sorry.
tottering on the brink of helplessness is certainly extremely unfun.
she hurts and you know it.
but yet she keeps it all inside her, refusing to let it out to anyone, not you and not anybody else.
you want so much to help her, ease her load, procure a shoulder for her to cry upon, to be able to hold her and tell her its okay and to let it all out, that you'll always be there for her (which is true) but you can't.
you can only stand there and watch her suffer in silence while you just stand by the side and watch.
it's almost like watching her burn at the stake and my god it hurts.
it hurts even worse than you burn there.
the worse feeling ever; helplessness.
the knowledge of you not being able to help her is about the same thing.
she only wants one guy, which unfortunately, is her boyfriend.
she's happy with him and you cant do anything about it.
you're just another guy, another guy who would give his right arm just to hold her with his left.
she's happy and that's the only redeeming factor of the whole thing.
thinking about that, you can only smile painfully at how the world is so unfair.
to only know that you'll be just a friend to her, and only a friend.
-quoted;
love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast. it is not proud. it is not rude. it is not self-seeking. it is not easily angered. it holds no record of wrong. love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth.
brenda ter;
hello baby!
i miss you so much.
been so long since we had a good long talk.
NO I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN YOU,
HOW CAN I RIGHT.
you silly pig, or should i say monkey?
(due to yr crazy obsession wif bananas)
please take care, and do something abt yr subjects and not only chemistry!
ps, mikechia is so cute. X)
RRRAAAAHH. MISS YOU.
life's been good.
(:
though sometimes my mind drifts to some unknown wonderland,
i tell myself its time to move on.
its really time to start my holidayhw, get some exercise to lose some weight,
catch up on movies and tvserials, what have you;
but, i would procrastinate and think abt all the beautiful memories left to me by others.
i just want to live in dreams.
MAE, mingming, wanru, joleen, manel and all my friends in my whole life.
i want to live in my memories.
and this inexplicable feeling for you,
raaah.no strings attached.
i've learnt something called independence.
i cant be a princess forever, waiting for pple to serve me.
(hey, maybe i still can be a princess forever!)
i've learnt to be an independent princess! (:
its imprudent to rely on others,
being so erratic, who would want to be there for me?
i'm nonchalant abt everything.
sometimes the devil in me tells me to be malevolent, callous.
then i think back,
what was the rae last time?
i want to be an angel.
i want to bring joy to others.
i know i can.(:
i promise i'll not flare at MAE again.
i promise promise promise.
you were everything everything that i wanted,
we were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it.
all the memories so close to me, just fade away.
-
my thoughts are so random.
i remembered the words of a little girl,
what if you were living in a world of blackness for so long,
that you even forgot how blue looks like.
in that instant, i realised how beautiful colours were.
and i felt so sorry for the little girl who had to face the painful truth that she was about to turn blind soon.
the road back home was so familiar,
memories lingering vividly;
i wanted to count the number of steps home,
apparently it slipped off my mind.
i'm beginning to appreciate all the wonderful things ard me,
view life from a different perspective.
God's creations are just so wonderful.
i'm so fortunate to be able to see the colours of the world,
and hear the sweet melody of music.
being yr baby doll seems to far-fetched,
i feel so numb.
you know how many times i've told myself not to think abt them,
i'm sorry i cant.
i cant seem to put them down.
i know i've been living in self denial,
how i wish i was the little girl,
who faced the painful truth valiantly.
i'm sorry for my random thoughts.
its time to move on, again.
THREE CHEERS FOR RAE,
I'M ABLE TO SMILE ONCE AGAIN.
caught my free screening of house of wax at anqi's house.
man, the whole movie is so sick.
the atmosphere was great,
the room was drowned by our screams.
not to mention, limszemin screamed the loudest.
:D HOHO.
was pretty amazed to learn that jieying's primaryfive brother is 175cm tall.
WWWWWOOOOOOAAAAAAHHH.
and then monster-in-law wif mingming on saturday.
ps, lovers seats. woooaaaahhh.
HAHA, no hidden meaning.
town was so flooded,
was dead exhausted already.
had time to breathe today!
though morning was occupied wif cip,
i had time to have a long nap in the afternoon,
and finish my book(third book of flowers in the attic.)
and catch up in zhengbanqiao on channel8.(:
matters of the heart are complicated.
i want the truth, dont i have the right to know.
get over me baby, let it go.
big sighs. stop flooding me wid such problems can?
i've just gotten over one.
it really makes me wonder whats so terrible abt me,
that pple would ignore me?
sorry, just random thoughts.
randomly,
i need a peace of mind now.
blogging seems to bring me back to depression mood,
RRRAAAAAAHHHHH.
can you stop screaming at me.you bitch.
SHOW SOME DAMN RESPECT FOR YR SISTER.
fuck you.byebye.
today is a happy day.
i want mingming and her beautiful soul.
marginalise the stupid dream last night!
though flashbacks of them are still lingering in my mind.
they brought me back to yesterdays,
when all was fine and gay.
why should i even live my life in melancholy.
and succumb to such a hitch like you.
i was too credulous, too naive.
ambiguously, i believed i got the wrong message.
i still believe that perpetual love only exist between an individual and God.
life is devious; crooked and unfair.
rae is strong,
she'll face the coming hurdles valiantly.
aint no nothing gonna bring me down.
i'm determined to make my life a better one.
i'm all ready to smile once again.
I STILL WANT THE STARBUCKS GUY.
can we go and find him?
you know what?
i've yet to start on my holiday assignments.
i'll be out the whole of today, tomorrow and sunday.
ONE WEEK GONE.
digressing, NOVIA AW.
if you're reading this,
i want you to know something:
I WANT TO BE YR BRIDESMAID WHEN YOU MARRY BARNEY.
please last forever can?
prove that perpetual love last, between special couples.(:
i've make a comeback,
stronger than before.
i'm fine,
thank you.
but i've got a little problem here,
I NEED MORE MONEY.
was practically dozing off during chem class this morning.
monica was complicating things up wif concentration of acid and concentration of ions.RAAAHHHH.
head down to greateast plaza after class.
God is good,
i dont even know how the building looks like,
all i know is that its in beach road.
somehow, something told me to alight at a certain stop.
and as i was approach someone to ask for directions,
i saw, "greateast plaza".
bless the Lord.
right now, i'm typing and eat my bowl of instant noodles at the same time.
and forgoing the fact that i'm adding more paraffin wax to the walls of my stomach.
plus, hair loss, blah blah blah, what have you.
digressing,(speaking of wax) i'll probably catch a free screening of house of wax at anqi's house tomorrow.HOHO. thats hot.
and now,
i'm gonna get my ass outta the house and spend another long day outside.
see, rae's coping fine.
right baby?
(:
-
was chilling out at suntec starbucks,
something that i noticed, yet never once mentioned before.
the ceiling is so high.
apparently it captured her attention.
she turned to me;
the ceiling is so high.
as i rested my head on her shoulder,
we looked up at the grey tiles up above.
i tilted my head to whisper into her ear,
I WANT THAT STARBUCKS GUY.
we turn to each other and grin.
that masks we were putting on to disguise what we were feeling deep within.
as memories flood back,
i dont give a damn.
i love mingming.
i love her.
i want to go stargazing wid her.
i want to hug her tight.
thank you MAE for an attempt to make me smile.
i'm sorry i failed to.
and sorry for rejecting yr concern to share my sorrows.
memories are beautiful,
aint it?
MINGMING,I STILL WANT THE STARBUCKS GUY.
will you ever be replaced?
mentally, physically, emotionally exhausted.
i'm okay.
i'm really okay.
i'm not lying,
i'm okay.
i want money to grow on trees,
i want my dad to print money.
i want to talk rubbish.
and never stop talking rubbish.
and tell myself that i'm alright.
that i'm happy,
that everything's fine.
damn damn damn damn damn
damn damn damn damn damn.
KILL YRSELF RAE.
KILL YRSELF.
today's ending off so badly.
tomorrow will be a better day,yea.
TOMORROW IS LIKE IN 7 MINTUES TIME.
AND I DOUBT IT WILL BE A BETTER DAY.
i want to isolate myself in this world of deceit.
stop lying to me.
love doesnt make the world go round.
LOVE HURTS.
i'm not in love.
love is a lie,
i will not indulge myself in such a bluff,
and end up in self-pity.
GO AWAY,
GET AWAY FROM ME.
SHOO.
dont touch me;
if you want dirt, i'm not yr type.
the urge to self-mulitate surfaces,
cute, without the e.
HAHAHA, I'M NOT STUPID ENOUGH.
you'll never know,
i've lost my sanity.
oh, yesterday was the first aint it?
first was such a beautiful day for me last time.
what a fucked day,
it was and is today.
its just so not me today.
chin up rae,
THANK YOU BEATRICE WEE.
pardon me;
i'll be leaving blog again.
somehow i cant control the hurt i feel inside.
i feel that my heart is tearing up into little shattered pieces.
love hurts,
my loved ones are facing problems due to matters of the heart.
while i'm on the verge of breaking down.
bruised and shattered.
-
FINE, I SHANT LEAVE BLOG.
(:
HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU GUYS.
Rachel / Rae
24th nov 1989
raeraerae_@hotmail.com
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